Marriage Advice from Someone Who Has Zero Business Giving It (But Will Anyway)

Look, I’m not a licensed therapist, couples coach, or someone with a calm voice and a mug that says “Live Laugh Love.” But I have survived a marriage through postpartum, betrayal, baby wipes, and bickering about dishwasher loading techniques. So… credentials?

If you're expecting a wise, stoic breakdown of how to keep the spark alive, you’re in the wrong blog. But if you're looking for real talk, brutal honesty, and probably a joke about sweatpants — welcome. Let’s get into it.

1. Never Argue While Hangry

You will say things you don’t mean. You will also mispronounce “manipulative” in the middle of yelling about toast crumbs. Eat a snack. Then fight. And preferably, not over who ate the last granola bar.

2. Sweatpants are Sexy

You know what’s sexy? Someone who knows the Netflix password, shares their fries, doesn’t judge your adult acne, and doesn’t make you wear real pants after 5 p.m. Bonus points if those sweatpants have pockets.

3. Love is Not Loud

It’s not always the grand gestures or love letters written in cursive. Sometimes love looks like refilling your water bottle before bed. Or letting you sleep while they handle the night shift with your toddler. Love is in the background music — not just the spotlight.

4. Apologies Shouldn’t Be a Scavenger Hunt

“Sorry you feel that way” is NOT an apology. Neither is bringing home a donut instead of just saying, “I was wrong.” (Even though... the donut helps. It helps a lot.) But real apologies are clear, honest, and come without a “but.”

5. You Can Be Soulmates AND Sworn Enemies for 7 Minutes

Marriage is weird. One minute you’re laughing about that TikTok you both love. The next, you’re arguing over the correct way to load a dishwasher like you’re in a courtroom drama. That doesn’t mean it’s over. It means you’re human.

6. Check in, Don’t Call Out

Instead of, “Why didn’t you fold the laundry?” try, “Hey, I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can you help me with something?” (Do I always do this? Absolutely not. But we’re learning. And that counts for something.)

7. You’re Not a Failure for Needing Help

Therapy? Amazing. Medication? Powerful. Date night babysitters? Priceless. Texting your best friend “I think I live with my enemy” at 10:17 p.m.? Therapeutic. You’re allowed to need support. You’re not supposed to do this alone.

8. Laugh. Even When It’s Awkward. Especially Then.

Laugh when you forget the kid at daycare pick-up. Laugh when your romantic anniversary dinner gets interrupted by a diaper explosion. Laugh when nothing is funny but if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.

9. Expectations Need Expiration Dates

You may not always be the same person you were when you first met — and neither will they. Check in with each other. Revisit your love languages. Refresh the “rules” of your relationship as you both grow. Love should adapt, not stay frozen in time.

10. Marriage is Not a Pinterest Board

No one is posting their 3 a.m. arguments, their silent treatments, or their “please, for the love of God, stop breathing like that” moments. Don’t compare your marriage to someone else’s curated highlights. Real love is unfiltered. And a little messy.

Marriage is work. But it doesn’t always have to feel like work. Some days it’s chaos. Some days it’s comfort. Some days it’s a fight over thermostat settings and who left the freezer open. And some days, it’s sitting in silence, holding hands, and knowing you’re not giving up.

But you’re here. Still showing up. Still trying. And that’s a kind of magic no wedding hashtag can compete with.

You got this.

#ThisWasntOnTheSyllabus